She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter