I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.