I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now