You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
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My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.