I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.