"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I won't apologize to a one balled man
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.