As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
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Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
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Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.