I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.