my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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