Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.