I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday