Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.