Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later