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my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
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