I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat