i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.