um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.