I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever