Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'