Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'