I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
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thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
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My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.