Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.