I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
