Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor