When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.