I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
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Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
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i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now