I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now