I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
operation harelip BJ is a go
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."