Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.