Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"