Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.