Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.