She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"