Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.