So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say