She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
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Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
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you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.