She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.