I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.