I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?