You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Drake has all the answers
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
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You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.