the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues