I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Drake has all the answers
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.