You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Drake has all the answers
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
21 People That Are Skilled At Illegal Activities
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.