I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.