Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Drake has all the answers
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
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I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.