I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.