I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
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Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.