Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
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Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
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Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.