I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She announced her abortion via fbk
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own