I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She announced her abortion via fbk
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own