I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
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wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
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I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.