Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat