I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"