After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done