On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina