It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis