Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES