I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
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I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.