I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd