I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.