I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.