I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.