You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.