Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Texas (214)

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  (214): View more from Texas

  You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.

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  (214): You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted. http://tfl.nu/igqi
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  Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?

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  (214): Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being? http://tfl.nu/tmnj
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  I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.

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  (214): I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress. http://tfl.nu/w1xg
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  Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...

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  (214): Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable... http://tfl.nu/uugd
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  IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA

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  (214): IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA http://tfl.nu/ecmd
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  Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.

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  (214): Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed. http://tfl.nu/czkr
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  I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it

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  (214): I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it http://tfl.nu/key8
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  So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.

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  (214): So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him. http://tfl.nu/fzxv
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  How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.

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  (214): How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk. http://tfl.nu/tw8m
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  I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).

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  (214): I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one). http://tfl.nu/5c4d
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  Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

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  I still make more money.

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  (817): Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions. (214): I still make more money. http://tfl.nu/pibf
  Replies (6) Good night (2342) Bad night (370)
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  I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...

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  (214): I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex... http://tfl.nu/zoqe
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  nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.

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  (214): nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours. http://tfl.nu/u4n6
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  you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.

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  (214): you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night. http://tfl.nu/mxyx
  Replies (7) Good night (2225) Bad night (442)
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  I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.

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  (214): I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere. http://tfl.nu/7002
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