We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
How does one acquire holy water?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night