Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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