Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
